Twelve chapters, twelve bosses, and a mini boss or two on the way to each. Every one of them is a workplace stereotype promoted far beyond its competence.
Written by Whale Development Studios, the team making the game. Checked 6 November 2026.
File: Chapter 1 · Boss
Eight metres of pompous general: monocle, cigar and a chest of medals he awarded himself. A man shaped PR campaign. Three phases, one chest reactor, zero battles.
I am Major Disaster! Tremble, tiny soldier! I have seventeen medals! I gave them all to myself!
Seventeen medals
File: Chapter 2 · Mini boss
Comes through the wall of the Foundry exactly when you thought it was finally quiet. Dash early. Dash often. Do not be flat.
Flattering
File: Chapter 2 · Mini boss
A quality inspector who approves nothing. He arrives by blimp the moment the clapperboard drops, and he has brought a very long checklist.
Rejected! Rejected! Everything is rejected!
Rejected
File: Chapter 2 · Mini boss
Everything he does happens on the beat of the music. So learn the beat. The band behind him is not optional.
And a one, and a two, and a die!
On the beat
File: Chapter 2 · Boss
A fourteen metre 1950s housewife fused into the factory, armed with a rolling pin and a lot of disappointment. She loves her production run more than her children. Aim for the locket.
So you're the one who's been breaking my children. Every. Single. One. Just wait until your father gets home!
Mother knows best
File: Chapter 3 · Mini boss
Forecasts you, with a ninety percent chance of death. Never right, never sorry. It is called job security.
Scattered showers this evening, clearing to scattered Corporal by the weekend!
Ninety percent
File: Chapter 3 · Boss
Two identical news anchors, one desk, one health bar. Hurt one and the other gives him equal time. By the last segment they've merged into a single two faced anchor, and once the teleprompter goes he has nothing left to say.
Good evening, I'm Chuck Spin. And I'm Chuck Spin. Is the Corporal a hero or a war criminal? We asked three experts who all agree with whoever is paying them!
Breaking news
File: Chapter 4 · Boss
He cannot be hurt while he is speaking. He is always speaking. A speech with no end and a carafe of water, in three phases.
I yield to no one! I yield to myself! I accept!
Out of order
File: Chapter 5 · Mini boss
A nuclear icebreaker with a stand up routine. People say he is a lot. He is supposed to be a lot.
What do you call a soldier on an ice floe? Lost! Ha! ...Tough crowd.
Tough crowd
File: Chapter 5 · Mini boss
Keeps the secret device secret for morale. It has been two minutes to midnight for nine years. Very punctual.
Deterrence works! I am deterred! I am terrified!
Do not touch
File: Chapter 5 · Boss
Three dolls you fight, five you do not, and one you salute. Militarism and the cult of personality, nesting. Behind the biggest curtain: a conscript the size of a teacup.
I have never lost a battle! I have never been in a battle! It is the same thing!
Hollow, but mighty
File: Chapter 6 · Mini boss
The Expo's six metre mascot, smiling on behalf of the company that builds both armies. She chases your gondola through the Futurama of War with free hats, flash photography and a hug nobody survives.
Hi hi! I'm Hollie Point! Let's make both sides possible!
Do not feed
File: Chapter 6 · Boss
Vice President of Sales for the one company that arms both sides. He pitches with a slide projector for a head: stand on the part of the chart that's going up. Then both armies join the meeting, and the contract eats the arena.
Good evening, shareholders! And Corporal! Welcome to the quarterly sales conference! We do not take sides. We take both!
Both sides
File: Chapter 7 · Mini boss
Rides a walking bench and changes the rules every thirty seconds: no dashing, contempt, recess. Whatever you're holding is overruled. Knock off the wig and the court will kindly disregard the judge's head.
Order! Order! Can somebody take my order? I'll have the verdict. Medium rare.
Overruled
File: Chapter 7 · Boss
Allied Command's top strategist has never made a decision. He fights from a limousine tank and calls in everything with wheels until the highway is bumper to bumper. If he can't move, nobody moves.
Corporal! So good to finally meet you. I've formed a committee to decide how to stop you. It meets on Tuesdays.
Under review
File: Chapter 8 · Mini boss
Blacks out the arena with redaction bars, then your health bar, then the floor. Everything about this fight is classified, including how it's going.
Good evening. You are entering a ████. Please remove your ████, your ████, and your opinions.
Redacted
File: Chapter 8 · Mini boss
A switchboard on eight spider legs, with headphones the size of cartwheels. Noise gives you away, so keep to the carpet and use the Hook to pull its plugs.
Nice footsteps. Size nine?
Listening
File: Chapter 8 · Boss
A tower of eyes that watches the whole prefecture, and it has notes. It reads out your real play statistics, including every time you died. Shoot out the eyes, then go inside.
Hello, Corporal. I've been looking forward to seeing you. I see everyone. I look forward to all of it.
Noted
File: Chapter 9 · Mini boss
At the charity auction you are Lot 47. When you turn out not to be for sale, he decides to donate you instead, over the side. Every explosion he hands out is tax deductible.
Good evening! Every bullet I fire is a charitable donation!
Deductible
File: Chapter 9 · Mini boss
A mechanical goose the size of a bus, nesting at the top of a waterfall of gold. It rolls golden egg bombs down the terraces and honks in a cone; the open beak is the weak point. Never kill the golden goose, they say. The Colonel disagrees.
HONK. HONK. (Translation: "You are not on the guest list.")
Honk
File: Chapter 9 · Boss
The richest man above the war, flying a money bag war balloon called THE TRICKLE DOWN. He makes it rain gold, buys the deck you're standing on and, when the lightning storm hits, reaches for his golden parachute.
I could buy you! I could buy your whole army! I did, actually! Twice!
Leveraged
File: Chapter 10 · Mini boss
Owns everything it can see, and it has excellent eyesight. Every nine seconds it redraws the property lines as laser fences, and you are always on the wrong side of them.
Your footprints are an encroachment. I will be invoicing your boots.
Private property
File: Chapter 10 · Boss
Commander of the Lunar Fleet, which is him: a thirty tonne domed mech steered by a tiny Chancellor bot reading the manual. Shoot the thruster pods while he orbits, slam his feet when he lands, then lose gravity altogether. The finisher is a tap on the glass.
This is Admiral Apogee, Commander of the Lunar Fleet! Surrender, Corporal, or face the full might of the fleet! That's me! I'm the fleet!
Fleet of one
File: Chapter 11 · Mini boss
A switchboard the size of a building, with a telephone for a face. It reads out its menu and every option is an attack. Then it takes over your number keys, which were always your weapon keys. There is no option five.
Welcome to the Returns Department. Please listen carefully, as our options have changed.
Press 3
File: Chapter 11 · Mini boss
A prim forklift octopus who slides the whole shelving grid around you. Everything in its place, and your place is on the shelf.
Inventory says there should be one of you. There will be none.
Discontinued
File: Chapter 11 · Boss
You can only escalate. The Supervisor at the desk fetches the Manager, the Manager fetches the Regional Vice President behind bulletproof glass, and every one of them understands your frustration.
I understand your frustration. I really do. I just don't care.
Escalated
File: Chapter 12 · Mini boss
Runs the perfume counter at Glimmer & Sons. Every attack comes with a coupon (parry it back), the discounts go off as shockwaves, and every robot in the store gets upsold to Premium.
Ooh, a tough customer! Let me get my manager! I am my manager!
50% off
File: Chapter 12 · Final boss
A bullet in a top hat, and the Hollow in Hollow, Point & Associates, the firm that makes both sides possible. He fights with a sample of every gun in the game, then buys the arena, your ammunition and the music.
You can't cancel a war, Corporal. It's a subscription.
Subscription
The Chancellor himself waits in Chapter 12, before Chairman Hollow. Some fights stay classified until release.
Chapter 1 is free on Steam now, and the full war arrives on 11 March 2027. Sixty seconds of it also run in your browser.
Play the free demoWishlist on Steam60 seconds in your browser, no download